Today marks one year since my first nerve surgery. It's crazy. The past year feels so long and so short at the same time.
A literal example, a year ago my hair was this short (aka non-existent)
and now it's about 7 inches long (aka awkward mullet hair).
So, happy one year anniversary to me.
It's sort of ironic that today, a year after my surgery, I have made multiple trips to the bathroom thinking I am going to throw up because my head hurts so badly. I don't mention that for pity or sympathy, but for some reason it gives more weight to my thoughts today about hope.
Hope: Every time I tried a new medication, test, or procedure with promises of results.
Hope: A new surgery with both impressive and successful statistics for cases extremely similar to mine.
Hope: Surgery scheduled.
Hope: In a week it will have been a year since my doctors told me I'd be one of the "quick recovery" cases and that I would probably be feeling better within a few months.
Hope: Slow improvement in headaches - a tangible taste of probable recovery and health.
Hope: A second surgery to fix emerging pain.
Hope: Reassurances that things will definitely get better.
These are all hopes that have kept me sane through this whole journey. This new year has been a hard time for me, but there have been daily reminders and encouragement from multiple sources to have hope. I know that's not a coincidence. Hope is such an essential and needed principle in our lives. Life is so much better when I have hope even when none of my circumstances or situations have changed. However, it is not the "hope" sources I previously listed that have made life easier.
President Uchtdorf said the best and true hope, "transcends the trivial and centers on the Hope of Israel, the great hope of mankind, even our Redeemer, Jesus Christ." This is the only hope that truly sustains me in times of darkness, sorrow, and despair. Sometimes I feel that I will never get better, never do the things I love again, and never overcome the things I struggle with. I think everyone has experienced this kind of despair - the kind that "kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart." We all have tough times. We all have sorrow. We all have disappointments. None of them are the same, but I know Christ has the power to pierce the darkness of our lives as we hope in Him.
"Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is confidence that if we live according to God’s laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered.”
I truly believe that putting trust in the Lord and looking forward to the day when He will answer my prayers is the surest way to live a happy life despite the rough times. I don't expect that all of a sudden all my problems will go away. But I do hope and know that eventually one day they will. I've said this before, but I think that He just wants our hearts and if we give them to Him, He will heal them. My body is sure to waste away one day, my life is going to have hard times, but my heart can constantly be healed and refined despite all that. That is something I hope in through Christ.
Presently, everything seems like it's contradicting hope. Sometimes I succumb to despair and depression and negativity. But I trying to more fully put my hope in something, someone, so sure it cannot fail.
"And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.
Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.
Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart."
|Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise -Victor Huge|
All quotes are from this article The Infinite Power of Hope