Monday, February 13, 2012

Let's talk about groins

ATTENTION: This post contains the word “groin.” If you are not comfortable with that, please discontinue reading.

Before I tell this story, you have to know a couple of things. First off, I have been training for a half marathon and I just got to a point where I actually want to go running (this is a big deal, in case you were wondering). Secondly, I am in BYU's ice skating class and it's seriously my favorite thing because I want to be Michelle Kwan... remember that because it is important. Finally, you should know that I'm a dancer and every Tuesday night I go with a friend to a jazz/contemporary class that rocks my world. Ok I think that's all the background info needed...
It all started about three weeks ago. Ice skating class was going great and I was beginning to convince myself that if I worked really hard maybe I could go to the next Olympics... I was ripped out of my daydream into reality as I watched my instructor explain/demonstrate those lunge things that all the pros do.
"You mean I am going to be able to actually do that?!” Says the girl to my left. “I thought this was the beginner's class!"
Of course I was sort of thinking that, but seriously, "Shh!! She might change her mind!" was all I said as I pushed her to the ground... haha just kidding, I was too excited to try to intentionally push some random girl to the ground, but I will admit that’s definitely happened on accident before.
Anyways, this isn't a huge part of the story, but I love ice skating so I'm making it a big deal. So we do our lunges and it's halfway successful and we even learned how to do turning lunges. This is what I looked like, NBD.
WELL… I was too excited to take the you-need-to-stretch-because-someone-pulled-their-groin-last-class advice from my teacher. I did a few practice lunges and then I was going across the ice, trying to look like Michelle Kwan.
Now you’re probably thinking this is the point at which I, too, pulled my groin, but surprisingly, all that happened was a lot of sliding on the ice with my face and struggling to get out of the way before someone ran over my fingers before they got a face full of ice. So no foul there. I’m still not disillusioned with my dream of becoming the next Kwan.
Fast-forward four days to Tuesday night. Life is GOOD at this point. Running had been going well and all I wanted was to go to dance and just dance and have fun. All was going according to plan when I had the dumb idea to crack a joke about pulling my groin as we did side switches/turning switch leaps (aka death) across the floor. Murphy’s law worked like a charm and BAM! Pulled groin. You’d think I’d be smart enough to sit out for the last twenty minutes, but if you ever thought that, you are wrong.
OK so I know that this whole story was probably anti-climactic, but hang with me till I tell you how a pulled groin can ruin your social life.
Case study #1 (Later that night):
Roommates (you know who you are): “Chelsea!!!! You need to come to Sammy’s with us cause the whole ward is coming and if you don’t come people will know you aren’t social and you won’t get invited to do anything EVER again…” (true story)
Me: “ Um… I pulled my groin tonight at dance… so probably not…” (throw in a moan to let them know I’m really in pain… in case the huge bag of frozen peas protruding from under my shorts didn’t clue them in)
Roommates: “Oh it doesn’t matter! Come on, nobody will care that you are sweaty and gross and wearing clothes unacceptable for going out in public. We’ll get your bright yellow rain boots so you’ll have a conversation starter!!!
(Yellow rain boots dropped in my lap)
Me: “Ha ha ha funny joke guys. See you later, have a good time!” (really hoping this won’t go on for much longer)
Roommates + boys from ward who just walked in: “Oh come on! We’re making you go! You could meet a cute guy or something.”
Me: “Ok you’re right. Let me practice what I’ll say first…”
At this point I proceeded to exercise my charm and poise as I pretended a boy asked me why I looked miserable in my awesome yellow boots, telling him in a loud voice over the noise of the whole ward in a little restaurant that I “PULLED MY GROIN”… and did he want to go on a date with me? Wow this is fun being here with all these people looking at me funny, this is definitely worth the social status my roommates promised me…
After laughing at my expense, or with me, or whatever, I assured the good-looking people in my apartment that going would NOT be in my best social interest, and probably theirs too. Convinced with my argument, they left with words of encouragement and advice about being social. I still can’t decide if I avoided social failure or not on this one…
Case study #2:
Next morning. Roommate marathon training run. Half a block away from the apartment.
“Yeah… I’m gonna have to sit this one out…”
Running with roommates = NO GO.
Social exile.
Case study #3:
“Um… hey, are you okay?”
“Oh yeah, totally, no big deal…”
“Really? Cause you look like you’re in a lot of pain.”
“Yeah… I pulled my groin the other day and it still hurts…”
“So it’s not because you just fell up the stairs onto your face?”
Moral of the story: If you want to use your injuries to get sympathy or attention or elevate your social status, don’t pick a pulled groin. It makes people uncomfortable.